The Purpose of Boundaries: What Are They + How to Set Them
Written by Tiffany Lepa, NCC, LPC-Associate
“If you think about it, the root of self-care is setting boundaries: It’s saying no to something in order to say yes to your own emotional, physical, and mental well-being.” - Nedra Glover Tawwad, Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself
You’ve likely heard of boundaries if you’ve been in therapy, know someone who has been in therapy, or follow any mental health accounts on social media. Drawing boundaries seems to be the panacea for many issues like burnout, codependency, anxiety, and interpersonal conflict. But what exactly do boundaries mean? What do they look like in our lives? How do we communicate them to others? Let’s start by defining boundaries.
Boundaries can be described in many ways, but in short, they are the limits we set to protect our wellbeing. Knowing your boundaries helps you understand and communicate what you’re comfortable with and how you want others to treat you. Healthy boundaries are rooted in respect and clear communication. Of course, boundaries can get muddled. Due to past experiences, boundaries may become overly rigid in order to protect ourselves from hurt, rejection, or shame. On the other hand, they may become porous or non-existent in order to protect your relationship with others and to protect yourself from rejection.
Rigid, Diffuse/Porous, + Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries often present themselves in three ways: rigid, diffuse, or healthy.
Rigid boundaries protect but don’t allow you to connect. Signs that your boundaries may be too rigid:
- You don’t care about other people’s problems.
- You have difficulty seeing other people’s perspectives and struggle to feel empathy.
- You avoid getting too close to others or opening up to them.
- You don’t give others second chances.
- Your thinking veers towards all-or-nothing thinking. (If someone makes a mistake, they are all bad.)
- You cut off meaningful people from your life.
Diffuse or porous boundaries allow you to connect, but don’t protect. Signs that your boundaries may be too porous:
- You have difficulty saying no to others.
- You feel responsible for other people’s feelings and reactions.
- You draw most of your worth from how others think of you.
- You don’t listen to your intuition or gut reaction in order to avoid conflict.
- You are unsure of who you are outside of tending to others.
- You change your identity to match those around you.
- You feel like you have to share everything with others.
Healthy boundaries, however, allow both protection and connection. Signs that you’re engaging in healthy boundaries:
- You know your values.
- You respect other people’s needs and boundaries.
- You don’t feel responsible for other people’s reactions and still have empathy.
- You can clearly communicate your needs and wants.
- You listen to your intuition and are self-reflective.
Examples of Rigid Boundaries
You had lunch plans with an old friend. They showed up 6 minutes late because they were stuck in traffic. You feel disrespected and like they don’t value your time or your friendship. Them being late feels incredibly personal. You decide you’re never going to meet up with them again and ignore them the next time they text you.
Examples of Porous Boundaries
Your friend has become overly reliant on you for emotional support and calls and texts you late into the evening. You need to get sleep but find yourself on the phone with them until midnight or later. You feel like you’re on-call for them but are unsure if they’d do the same for you and notice they only reach out in times of need. You begin to feel resentful. The idea of bringing this up to them, however, terrifies you. You don’t want to feel “mean” and you worry that if you set a boundary, you might lose the friendship.
Examples of Healthy Boundaries
You’re currently in recovery for an eating disorder. At dinner, your mother-in-law begins to make comments about how much you’re eating, how many calories she will need to “burn off” after the meal, and how her sister has gained weight. You let her know that you are not comfortable talking about other people’s bodies or their food choices and change the subject.
What Kinds of Boundaries Might I Need to Draw?
You might need to draw boundaries within the workplace, with friends, with family, with romantic partners, and with yourself. Let’s explore common boundaries.
Time
The boundaries help us decide how we want to spend our time. Remember, just because you’re free or don’t have plans doesn’t mean you’re available! For example, if a friend is frequently late to meetups or flakes on you, you can let them know you need them to make an effort to be on time because your time is valuable too. Another example might be a coworker who tends to vent after work in the parking lot so much that you get home later than expected. You may need to let them know you have to leave at 5:15PM so that you can get home and cook dinner.
Physical
These boundaries relate to personal space, your body, and touch. Examples include what items your roommate can borrow or if they need to ask for permission beforehand, letting your in-laws know they can’t show up to your house unannounced, asking someone to wear a mask around you to protect you from illness, or letting someone know you don’t feel comfortable with the way they’re touching you.
Emotional + Mental
Emotional boundaries protect our mental energy and provide emotional safety. They communicate that we will not be invalidated or belittled for our beliefs or feelings. For example, your mom constantly tells you that your sexuality is “just a phase”. You let her know that your sexuality is not a topic for discussion. It’s also important to ask others if they have the mental capacity to hold space for you. Let’s say you had an awful day and really need to vent. You know your best friend has an emotionally taxing job and may have had a busy day, so you text them first and ask if they have the energy to chat with you on the phone.
Conversational
These boundaries set limits for topics up for discussion. For example, if your uncle is making transphobic or racist comments, you communicate that his words are disrespectful and will not be tolerated (and provide some education if open to conversation!). If your mother-in-law asks when you’re having grandbabies, let her know that you will talk to her about it when the time is right and that she does not need to keep asking.
Sexual
These boundaries involve consent and conversations around how you like to be touched, what might be off-limits for you, or when, how often, and with whom you engage sexually. For example, you let someone you’ve been talking to on a dating app know your limits and intentions prior to meeting up for a first date. You might have a conversation around whether or not they’re seeing other people too, and if so, practicing safe sex.
Financial
These boundaries relate to having autonomy around your financial decisions. For example, if your boss asks you to complete work without compensation, you let them know you only work if you’re fairly compensated. Another example might include setting boundaries with a family member constantly asking for money from you without paying it back or to the point of you depleting your own savings.
Spiritual
These boundaries protect your right to believe and practice spirituality how you like. Boundaries might include letting friends know you are unable to schedule hangouts during Ramadan, letting family members know that you’re not interested in being converted to their religion, or making time to worship even if your partner does not have the same beliefs or practices.
Internal/Self
These boundaries involve awareness of your tendencies to neglect your needs. They might be related to social media use, substance use, or work-life balance. You can be realistic about where you are and what you need. For example, you really need one weekend day to recuperate from work, so you don’t schedule anything for that day. You promise yourself that you won’t participate in gossip because you feel “icky” afterward, and it doesn’t align with your values of integrity. You know that scrolling on your phone until 2AM has consequences the next day, so you set limits on your phone use.
Disclaimer + Acknowledgement: It is not always possible or safe to draw boundaries in situations of interpersonal violence or other forms of abuse.
How Do I Know What My Boundaries Are?
If you are feeling exhausted or resentful after being around someone, a boundary may have been violated. It’s important to know your needs and values. Your boundaries will reflect your values. If one of your values is self-respect and you notice your partner belittling you frequently and feel awful afterward, it might be time for a conversation or couples therapy.
So How Do I Set Boundaries?: Examples of Boundary Setting
Use “I” statements. Communicate clearly and assertively. Be consistent in following through with boundaries. Your delivery may not always be perfect and others may need reminders of your boundaries. Remember that boundaries can be renegotiated and that it’s important to have open conversations around them. Remember that “No,” is a full sentence.
Helpful Phrases + Examples
Social + Relational
“I can only stay for an hour.”
“I am confident in my decision and not looking for advice.”
“I need some time to think about it.”
“I’m getting emotionally flooded and need a break before we continue this conversation.”
“I will not engage in the conversation if you keep calling me names.”
“I know you think it’s just a joke, but that’s not funny.”
Work
“I don’t answer emails after 5PM or on the weekends.”
“I wish I could help, but my schedule is full that day.”
“Thanks for thinking of me, but I don’t have space to take on any new projects right now.”
“I overcommitted myself and need to step back from…”
Physical + Sexual
“This makes me uncomfortable. Please stop.”
“I am only having one drink tonight.”
“I need notice before you show up to my house.”
“I’d like you to ask my child if it’s okay for a hug rather than expecting one.”
Time
“I am not available right now. I can call you back later.”
“I am not able to respond to messages right away but that doesn’t mean I am ignoring you.”
“I don’t respond to texts after 9PM so that I can wind down.”
In closing, I like to tell clients that healthy boundaries aren’t selfish, they’re a means of self-preservation. While it can be difficult to set boundaries when you’re used to yielding to others’ needs, in the long run, boundaries are helpful to all parties involved.
Boundaries are tricky, and our therapists in Austin, TX are ready to help you explore what’s working or not working and to develop boundaries that are congruent with your values. Ready to start therapy? Fill out a contact form to schedule a free 15-minute consultation call or to connect with a member of our team.
