Perfectionism: How Your Type Affecting Your Mental Health
Written by Tiffany Lepa, NCC, LPC-Associate
"If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame, judgment and blame." - Dr. Brené Brown
Perfectionism serves a purpose in surviving chaotic environments and protecting ourselves from criticism, shame, and blame. At the same time, it is not sustainable or attainable and can contribute to detrimental effects like like burnout, low self-esteem, substance use disorders, depression, obsessive compulsive disorder, generalized and social anxiety, eating disorders, compulsive exercise, self-harm, suicidal ideation, procrastination, imposter syndrome, interpersonal conflict, and overall dissatisfaction with life.
Oftentimes, when we think about perfectionism, images of perfectly tucked in white sheets, a pristine household, getting places on time, and finishing ahead of others may come to mind. Perfectionists may seem like they have it all together. An interesting aspect of perfectionism is that it comes packaged in a variety of ways which will be outlined below. Behind the idealized version of a perfectionist having it all together may be low self-esteem, intense self-criticism, and the internalized belief that in no way are they a “perfectionist” because they are nowhere near perfect. This leads to an endless cycle of setting oneself up for failure. On top of that, when high expectations are met, even more fear builds up around failing or disappointing others.
Our interpersonal needs drive perfectionism. And at the same time, perfectionism stands in the way of vulnerability and opportunities to make authentic connections. For example, you may feel the need to present a curated version of yourself to others, avoid situations where you may appear to be imperfect, or you may avoid being open about situations where you’ve “failed”.
According to recent studies, perfectionism has increased significantly in the past few decades with younger generations, starting as early as childhood and adolescence, with an increase in self-reported perfectionism. Potential influences to account for this rise include social media, expectations to attend college and competitive admission processes, competitive workplace environments even for low-paying jobs, and experiencing different timelines and criteria of “success” than prior generations. To get a better picture of the nuances of perfectionism, it is important to understand that it presents itself in a variety of ways.
What types of perfectionism are there?
Self-Oriented Perfectionism: This iteration of perfectionism refers to individuals imposing impossible and unrealistic expectations upon themselves. Not meeting these rigid expectations can lead to intense self-criticism and self-punishment. These standards may have been internalized from implicit or explicit standards growing up.
Socially Prescribed Perfectionism: This type of perfectionism stems from the perception of high expectations of perfectionism from others. This can include expectations from parents, coaches, bosses, and partners. It can also include the need for emotional perfectionism or making yourself small in order keep the peace within your family or other interpersonal relationships.
Other-Oriented Perfectionism: This style can be described as placing unrealistic standards and expectations on other people. By imposing unrealistic expectations on others, it gets in the way of fostering deep connections with others, which can lead to intense disappointment, resentment, and loneliness.
Overt Perfectionism: Overt perfectionism is probably the “standard” image of perfectionism that comes to mind. Overt perfectionists outwardly express a preference for order and feel uncomfortable, anxious, or even angry in situations where they don’t perceive themselves as having control. They may be hard on themselves and hard on others and may outwardly come off as an expert or having it all together. Extreme overt perfectionism can manifest itself as arrogant or judgmental behavior stemming from the belief that their way is the only way and thus taking on too much in order to make sure it’s done the “right” way. Whew, it’s exhausting!
Covert Perfectionism: Convert perfectionism, on the other hand, is more closeted. Covert perfectionists are harder to identify and often have low expectations of others in order to avoid disappointment. At the same time, they have high standards for themselves and want to succeed but fear taking risks in areas where others might be “better” than they are. This style of perfectionism is often ridden with low self-esteem, self-deprecating humor, and a “chill” outward presentation. This presentation of perfectionism is also common among the neurodivergent community, working overtime to fit unfair and unaccommodating standards in “productivity” and social “norms”.
Note: You might experience more than one of these styles, or it may vary based on the situation.
Despite the perfectionist urge that moves individuals to handle things on their own, therapy can help, and you don’t have to work through exploring and challenging the roots and impact of perfectionism on your own. Admittedly, the journey may be tough because therapy aims to bring out what perfectionism aims to protect - vulnerabilities, openness, and taking risks. Drawing boundaries and letting yourself “fail” can feel really uncomfortable when you had been giving 110% before. Expect feelings of shame, guilt, sadness, disappointment, and self-criticism to come to the surface.
Our therapists aim to provide a safe, nonjudgmental space to foster curiosity over judgment and an environment where all parts of yourself are welcome, especially the less than perfect parts! We’re here to help you untangle the roots of perfectionism, explore and honor the function it has served in your life, and build different ways of coping and living a more authentic life congruent with your values.
Working with a therapist can help you with exploring the following factors:
The Roots: A big part of therapy for perfectionism includes first exploring potential roots that led to using perfectionism as a means of adaptation. This may include examining your family of origin and their expectations and values. Other roots of perfectionism might include religious trauma, culture and identity, or the social pressure of high expectations (work, social status, academics, sports or extracurricular performance, body image, etc.).
The Impact: A therapist can also help you examine how it impacts your life in both helpful and unhelpful ways. These unhelpful effects may include procrastination fueled by the fear of not being able to do something perfectly, unhelpful self-critical talk, shame and guilt, burnout, fear of failure, and interpersonal difficulties.
The Purpose: Through therapy, you can come to understand the purpose perfectionism has served for you. It may be a way you’ve learned to avoid or minimize painful feelings like shame or judgment. Your therapist can help you to find other ways to sit with and cope with those feelings and to challenge your inner critic.
Beyond Perfectionism: Therapy provides a space for you to identify your values beyond perfectionism. You may consider what perfectionism is keeping you from and what you really want in your life. With this new framework in mind, you can begin to ask yourself if perfectionism is congruent with your life values, if it’s standing in the way of your goals, and how it is impacting your ability to live authentically.
Does this post resonate with you? Our team is ready to help you explore the roots of your perfectionism, and challenge unhelpful narratives about yourself in order to give space to live more congruently with your values.
Use our Book Now page to set up a free 15-minute consultation call with one of our clinicians, or fill out a contact form to get in touch with a member of our admin team and discuss who’s the best fit for you.
