Working Through Shame Using Parts Language
Guilt refers to a self-conscious and distressing feeling that you are responsible for an action that resulted in a negative outcome or that conflicts with your moral values. For example, you made a hurtful comment towards your partner in a fight, you forgot your best friend’s birthday, you cut someone off in traffic, or you cheated on a test. Guilt is action-focused (“I did something bad.”) rather than self-focused (“I am bad.”) and provides space for self-respect and self-compassion. Doing something “bad” does not equal being innately “bad”.
The feeling of guilt can be helpful at times. It provides a signal for self-reflection on whether or not your actions are aligned with your values. For example, let’s say a friend let you in on a secret, and you let it slip out to someone else. You feel guilty because you value honesty, trust, and friendship. The guilty feeling can motivate you to correct your behavior through apologizing and taking time to reflect.
Shame, on the other hand, refers to the overwhelming emotion that there is something wrong with you. Shame says, “You did something bad because you ARE bad.” Shame says, “Bad things happen to you because you deserve it.” Shame leads to feelings of inadequacy, low self-esteem, worthlessness, self-consciousness, and humiliation. Shame often stems from experiences of rejection, interpersonal trauma, harsh criticism from others, neglect, abuse, and not meeting high expectations. Shame is an incredibly heavy feeling.
Parts work refers to a therapeutic lens that suggests we each have different parts within our psyche that each serve a purpose. In other words, we are a sum of many parts. You know that feeling of inner conflict? “A part of me wants to do this…” or “A part of me feels this way…” That’s what this theory refers to. There are different therapies that involve parts work including Internal Family Systems, Inner Child Work, Gestalt Therapy, and Ego State Therapy.
Our parts often compete with one another, leading to inner turmoil. These parts are developed from past experiences and often serve to protect us. In some ways, they are adaptive trauma responses. Throughout this post, I will be referring to the lens of Internal Family Systems (IFS). Within Internal Family Systems, there are 4 parts: the Core Self, the Exiles, the Firefighters, and the Managers. Shame is often housed within our Exiled part that holds onto trauma and experiences that have told us we are less than.
Within parts work, there are no bad parts! This leaves no room for shame, but rather understanding, self-acceptance, gentleness, and compassion. Each part serves a purpose and has been trying so hard to help you survive. However, some parts over function in order to keep you from feeling distress and pain. Within IFS, these are called the Protectors and include reactive Firefighters and proactive Managers. (Refer to the graphic above for more details.) When these parts are in conflict with one another and have different agendas, it can create an emotional gridlock that stands in the way of healing and contributes to shame.
The goal of parts therapy is to access your Core Self, the one that is compassionate, curious, calm, whole, and resourceful. The Core Self acts as a leader to check in on the other parts. For example, the Core Self might ask the Firefighter, “What purpose does binge-drinking serve?” The Firefighter might respond, “I’m trying to shield myself from painful memories of neglect.” The Core Self might say, “Wow, that’s a burden to carry. I’m going to step in and help. What is it that the Exiled part is needing?” The Exile might pop in and say, “I need to feel safe and regulated before I can be vulnerable to those emotions.” This is where a therapist can facilitate in helping those parts communicate, feel heard and understood which can help you heal from deep-rooted shame.