When High Expectations Hurt: 4 Steps To Unlearn Perfectionist Tendencies & To Ease Anxiety

Written by TIFFANY LEPA, NCC, LPC-ASSOCIATE

Do you ever feel like no matter what you do you won’t be good enough? Have you ever thought that you have to give 110% just to feel worthy? You’re not alone — You might be struggling with perfectionism, a mix of overly criticizing yourself and holding excessively high or unattainable expectations for yourself. In a society where performance is prioritized and competition is valued, perfectionism may seem like a good thing – even essential – for surviving and thriving.

However, it turns out that striving for perfection actually produces negative outcomes on mental health. Perfectionism has been linked to disordered eating, compulsive exercise, depression, anxiety disorders, self-harm, low self-esteem, and even suicide. As an interdependent species, we often base our worth on external validation, meaning that how we perform or are perceived by others determines how we feel about ourselves and how much self-confidence we have. Self-compassion can be the remedy for challenging perfectionism and easing anxiety.

Here’s how to get started in disentangling your relationship with perfectionism.

1. EXAMINE THE ROOT OF THE ISSUE.

Perfectionism and anxiety don’t appear out of thin air. Think back to when you first noticed anxiety or a tendency towards perfectionism. Did it start in childhood, maybe adolescence? Does your inner critic sound like someone, maybe a parent, coach, or partner? Do these expectations come from within or outside? Maybe it feels so innate that it’s hard to identify where they come from. What purpose does perfectionism serve? For example, if as a kid your caregivers rarely provided you emotional support or attention, you may have found yourself constantly trying to do your best or overexerting yourself in the hopes of earning their approval. These patterns become ingrained, but they’re possible to unlearn, and a good place to start is with the help of a therapist.

2. LISTEN TO SELF-TALK + IMAGINE HOW YOU’D SPEAK TO A FRIEND.

Really tune into your negative thoughts, how they feel in your body, and how they affect your mood. This not only allows you to stay in the present moment but also provides insight into when self-criticism presents itself and gives you the opportunity to gently self-correct. Imagine this scenario. Your boss wants to speak with you. You immediately think to yourself, “Great, I did something wrong and I’m going to get fired.” You feel the physical manifestations of anxiety in your body. Your shoulders tense up, your heart races, and you have sweaty palms. But you stop yourself and self-correct, imagining how you’d talk to a friend: “I am making assumptions about why my boss wants to talk to me and assuming the worst. Even if she criticizes me, I know I am enough.”

3. DIP YOUR TOES INTO SELF-COMPASSION AND ALLOW YOURSELF TO MAKE MISTAKES.

Self-compassion, the cool older sister of self-care, refers to a kind and caring mindset towards yourself, regardless of the situation. Some ways to develop self-compassion include daily gratitude in order to focus on positive things in your life, self-forgiveness allowing you to move forward rather than ruminating on past mistakes, and developing a growth mindset as explained below.

4. FOCUS ON PROGRESS AND PROCESS OVER PERFECTION.

By reframing your mindset to focus on growth and process, you can fight the tendency to strive for perfection. For example, imagine that you’re making a painting. Creative activities allow us to connect with our inner child, relax, and get into a flow state where the outside world fades. When approaching creating with a perfectionist mindset, it can drain all of the joy from an activity. Let’s say you just wrote a research paper on a topic that fascinates you but you didn’t receive a perfect score. Consider what you learned throughout the process rather than striving for points. Both of these examples can allow you to live in the present moment and to ease the anxiety about your end product.

Ready to Begin Online Anxiety Therapy in Austin, Texas?

If you are struggling with the anxiety brought on by unrealistic expectations placed on you, our skilled therapists are here to help you. At Autonomy Therapy, we are here to create a non-judgmental, caring environment for you. You don’t have to handle this alone. Let our therapists help you today:

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